Catch Up Post: #GirlBoss…

*Catch up post from February 2016…late to the party, I know*

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“The woman who does not require validation from anyone is the most feared individual on the planet.”  –Mohadesa Najumi

I read in a book once…”The mistress of self-reinvention…”  And I’ve decided I quite like that.  She is me.  I am her.  That fickle little mistress of self-reinvention.  Always wondering and wandering through my mind about my next best move.  Geographically and mentally, physically and emotionally…where will I go next?  What will I do?  Who will I be?

The beauty of life is being in control of your own fate.  Securing your own destiny.  We are always, in every minute of every day, just one choice away from a different path.  How brilliant and empowering is that?!  Even when the current shifts universally and a situation is out of our hands, we still get to control our choice on how we react or respond.  Lately I’ve been getting naturally high on the idea of female empowerment.  Obviously an idea that has overcome serious peaks and valleys over time, but always relevant.  I feel in my veins this need to be a woman of empowerment who empowers others…specifically women.  Somehow it’s been growing fiercer inside of me in recent months and I’m not certain if that’s due to the fact that I just turned 30 and with this new decade, I feel a fresh sense of enlightenment and a drive to do more or if it has to do with what I have overcome and experienced in my life which has inevitably lead me to this point…either way, I’m owning it.

In 2016, thanks to the amazing women who fought and died for our legal and social equality, we have a serious “girl power” movement happening.  Front lined by women in power, of opinion, on platforms of fame and so on.  Although it seems that the road is still bumpy at times, it’s paved more than it ever has been before, with some potholes to keep things interesting.  This brings me to this concept of the Girl Boss.  I’ve had some battles with this term for awhile now and I’d like to explain them here which I hope will ignite a dialogue because I’m always looking for feedback.

On one hand…

I think the term Girl Boss is bullshit.  There I said it.  I think it’s f*cking lame and stupid and we should throw it out.  Why?  No, it’s not because I’m a traitor to my own gender.  It’s because I think we should ALL be bosses of our own damn lives.  Why make it a “girl” specific thing?  To me, that just gives more man power to the existing term “boss”.  Sometimes we forget to fight for ourselves, to be the leading lady in our own lives.  We lose sight of our balls {which let’s face it ladies, are more intact than most of the dudes we encounter-am I right?} from time to time and need a reminder to grab life by the pants and get back to being the boss.

On the other hand…

The term Girl Boss is legit.  Because in any situation of oppression, there is profound power in owning the very thing that is attempting to hold someone or a group down.  Women have been quieted, pushed back, been told to stand still and look pretty, be the Susie Homemaker and perfect mother aka superwoman for centuries.  I do think that coining it specifically to girls/women gives an even stronger voice to the concept.

Two ways of looking at it, maybe even more…but the thing that truly matters, is that one of the great things coming out of this year so far is female power.  If you haven’t found your inner lady boss b*tch, I encourage you to spend some time finding her…I assure you, she’s a warrior, a passionate woman, a force to be reckoned with…and she’s screaming to get out.

Xx in warriorhood and #girlbossing,

Me

My So-Called Life Right Now…Part II

***This is a long overdue catch up post from August 2016 as a follow-up to My So-Called Life Right Now… re-read it for clarification***

“Entry Level Job Opening: Hiring Recent College Grads

Requirements: 5 years of experience, 6 Olympic Gold Medals and superpowers.”

Dear People Who Thought My Last Life Post Was Readable,

I’ve been using my free time away from job hunting to work on my fitness…

I almost have a six-pack.

Like in my fridge.

Since I’m broke, I’m sort of just collecting one at a time until I have a full set…it’s like Pokemon Go, “gotta catch ’em all!”

When I’m not sunning myself and hydrating, I’m practicing my teleportation skills.  So far, I’ve only been able to move from the house to the yard.  I have my sights and mind spidey powers set on Australia though since that seemed to be the last time I felt like life made sense.  Stay tuned, I feel like a breakthrough isn’t too far…

The biggest goal I’d say I’ve accomplished this far into summer is…wait, I know there’s something…hold on, OH! Yep, still a tan.  Mostly just a tan.

A highlight this summer has been driving 6 hours to my hometown to work at the boutique, yes that is how desperate times have gotten.  I have to drive and spend over 1/3 of a long weekend’s pay on gas, thank you America.

The best part about all of this…my life is seriously amazing.  STILL!  Yes, I’m stressed and I just spent my last quarter on a gum ball to re-live my childhood because adulting is rough.  BUT, I am always finding reasons to wake up happy and be SO damn grateful for everything I have.  I challenge you: if you’re ever in a bind and money is tight (or non-existent) and you feel like you have nothing and you get wrapped up in or on the brink of that “woe is me” crap, it really helps to take your last bit of pride, a couple of dimes or dollars and pay them forward to someone who needs them even more than you do.  Also, don’t forget to notice the amazing support system around you because let me tell you, if I didn’t have the people in my life that I do, I’d have already been working at an establishment in the strip club capital of everywhere.

Perspective is power, people…and I’ve gained a WHOLE lot of it this year.

More catch up posts to come…

Yours in laughter to hide the tears!

xx,

Me

My So-Called Life Right Now…

“When life hands you lemons…just say f*ck the lemons and bail…”

Dear People Who Read This and/or Care for An Update,

Yesterday I created my own spin on this quote whilst sunning myself.  Since life has handed me some serious bushels of lemons lately, I decided to make a wine spritzer (or 5) and reflect on my life.

I’m still unemployed in Portland.  Over the past 3+ months, I’ve sent out countless resumes, worked with a recruiting agency including 3 different types of recruiters at said agency, been on interviews, had phone interviews and even FaceTime interviews-I find the key is turning into a living mullet for those…business on top, party pants (or bikini) on bottom.  I have done all these things for jobs both here in Portland and in Seattle.

I spent all last weekend working on a 15 question email interview for a luxury travel company in Seattle and thought I nailed it…I got a rejection email Monday, which brings the tally of “no” emails this week to 2.

I somehow have not become an alcoholic yet, likely due to the fact that I am a broke ass ho that also refuses to earn money for my fix on the dirty streets.  Life has also not gotten bad enough for me to seek employment in the strip club capital of the Pacific Northwest…stay tuned, things change quickly around here.

Ummm, I’m currently trying to plot how to get paid for being utterly ridiculous.  I’ve gotten really good at it.

I made myself into an emoji the other day.

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Which means two things:

  1. I really need a f*cking job 
  2. My life has reached a serious low point.

In other news, I’ve gotten an excellent summer tan as I’ve laid in the sun 2 hours a day for the past 6 days and before that spent an epic wedding weekend in the Chelan sun.

Hmmm…

That leads us to yesterday.

Where I found myself reading in my yard.  Where I finished a bottle of white wine before it was 5 o’clock somewhere (YOLO!) and where I started the 3rd book I’ve begun in 3 weeks…

Feel free to judge me or laugh immensely at me now.  OR, relate to me and tell me I’m not alone in my FUNemployment adventures.

Either way, read this while drinking a strong beverage…I find it helps!  Also, I hope this makes you smile.   Although life is proving challenging for me this year and especially in the recent months, I’m always finding a reason to keep on keepin’ on, you should too.

Yours in humor, smart assism, and warriorhood!

xx,

Me

Days like this…

“Nature is not a place to visit. It is home.”–Gary Snyder

I took a walk today…

A walk not impressive by distance, but impressive by nature.

As I stood on this mountain I work on in my daily grind, I gazed out at the 360* views that take my breath away.

This valley, I am fortunate enough to call home…

Where roots grow deep among the aspen groves and tall pines.

Where burn scars linger and smiles don’t fade.

A place where community is the river that runs through, connecting these rural towns as one.

As the winter sun beamed on me, I relished in the fading slices of winter chill, watching streams flow down the hill as snow melts into what will soon be spring.

I remembered days like this in my youth…

Days of crisp air hitting our faces as we went outside to embrace the sun like a race against time.

Longing for the grass to appear and for lunch breaks to be taken outside once again.  The anticipation of the coming season.

I closed my eyes and saw images of myself twirling and playing shadow games.  Of hide and seek with my giggling brother, our dog chasing us around and getting in on the fun.

That sun, high in the sky, beaming bright as though a beacon of my past and a portal into my future.

I took a walk today…

I remembered distance matters little…when the journey has been long.

Days like this…I breathe in gratitude.

I am thankful for the sun.

Written Leap Day, 2.29.16.

*Disclaimer: Irony came in the form of white powder as I awoke this morning to all signs of Spring erased, this valley I so adore, covered in fresh snow.

Love Actually…{Part II}

“If you look for it, I’ve got a sneaky feeling you’ll find that love actually is all around.”  -Prime Minister, Love Actually

where-did-you-find-that-ive-been-searching-for-it-everywhere-i-created-it-myself-happiness-1444847227In order to avoid the fate I dramatically represented here, we have to reevaluate how we define and look at the “L” word.  Yes, that four letter word that carries so much gorgeous weight…L O V E.

I really love the concept that love comes from within.  I think that is how love should be felt and seen. One thing I’ve truly learned in life thus far (and I’ve learned it all the f*cking hard way) is that any feeling we have comes from within us.  Happiness is a choice we make as our individual selves and cannot be the responsibility of any other human being, but us.  Love must be felt and explored from within before we know how to recognize it, express it and accept it in another.  Love isn’t striving for that perfection we can never obtain.  Love isn’t filling our lives by consuming information or “stuff” we generally don’t need.  Happiness isn’t those things either…

To truly live and live well is to find happiness within yourself and to learn how to fall in love with yourself first and foremost; to work at that love every damn day for the rest of your life.  To make choices.  To CHOOSE to love yourself and to love that person that you just don’t want to live without.  It’s a choice.  And it’s hard work, but nothing worth having ever came easy.  Choice.  That’s what it takes to keep the spark. Choice is the spark we have to keep alive.  The spark lies within us and too many people give it up, leave it to someone else and let it die out.  Everything crumbles on from there; relationships, self-love…it becomes a domino effect.

The act of falling in love, with another human being…falling for anything really, it’s a notion I’m not quite attached to.   Especially in this fine day and age of people swiping right to find their “happiness” and to “fall in love”.   If those are the things you’re looking to find using that method…call me.  We need to have a serious talk.  I urge you to avoid “falling” for anything on Tinder.  Use it, enjoy it, just don’t let it fool you into thinking that your happily ever after is on a screen.  This idea of falling, implies a catching of sorts and what I think too many of us are looking for is that one person to catch us.  Catch your own damn self!  What we should do in love, is BE in love.  We should BE ourselves, BE happy, just BE in love…we need to BE!

We have to be powerful in ourselves and whatever we conquer, whatever we express to ourselves within, is reflected out when we connect with another human being who has that same profoundness and acceptance within themselves.  Who knows who they are, what they want and how they’re going to take action to get it.  Light finds other light, happiness links to other happiness, love reflects love.

It’s a bloody complex thing to do; to maintain your own pursuit of happiness and take full responsibility for every single feeling you have on any given day.  It’s difficult because we’re also conditioned to play the blame game.  Well, that’s too easy.  Blaming others is a serious waste of energy.  As I continue to get older and have more friends getting married, having babies and all that grown up amazing-ness that we choose, I realize that money and children are just tips of the iceberg that can put a strain or pressure on a marriage or a relationship causing it to at times end in a divorce or a break up.

It’s the fact that we as humans have conditioned ourselves to make shifts in our priorities, thinking that we can find all that we seek in another person or by acquiring more whether that be a house with a picket fence and the nice car parked outside or creating the children to fill them.  See, I told you if you stuck with me, we’d come full circle!

We should always be our number one priority.  And that can only really happen when we have found and accepted happiness; a love of ourselves.  When we have made the choice to BE who we are.  Once that’s established, we can share that with another person who’s become their whole self.  But still, you’re your number 1.  Always.  I repeat…ALWAYS.  Your romantic relationship next.  Then the kids and whatever else you choose to have in and do with your beautiful life.

It’s just too f*cking easy to shift focus and change the priorities.  Women tend to put the relationship first.  Put their partner over themselves.  We do this because it’s what is in our nature.  We do this to be nurturing and be the caregiver, the saver, The Feminine that fixes it all!  And trust me when I say, we get amazing at it.  We wear superhero capes that other people can’t always see.  I’ve done it {for at least a time}, in every relationship I’ve ever had.   Even some of the non-romantic ones.  It all spells trouble. You lose yourself a bit more each time.  In romantic relationships that go to marriage, the institution only changes you if you allow it to.  I truly believe that.  You can think me a fool since I’m not married, but I’ve seen people and know people who have not let marriage change them as individuals or the relationship.  It’s a thing.    They have CHOSEN to BE with each other.  And they do the work required.  They aren’t existing under the impression that they can’t live without the other person, they know they could survive.  They CHOOSE not to live without their person; they know that connection doesn’t always come around.  It’s a CHOICE to hang on to who you love, to hold onto yourself, to BE you.  But I strongly believe you have to hang onto the number 1 priority spot in your life.  Of course it’ll shift from time to time.  Of course you’ll have to put others first.  You should.  What I’m saying is that you should never open up the leading role of your life to another person and lose your sense of happiness, love or BEing.

The problem is, a lot of people are walking around thinking that they are one half of a whole when we should all be walking around becoming a whole person on our own.  Just let that sink in a moment.

That’s what makes connecting with another “whole” person so sacred, so rare and so profoundly fantastic.   And don’t get me wrong.  We are always learning and teaching, adding and taking away pieces of ourselves that we need or don’t need and that process is deeply affected by the connections we make with other works in progress.  We are constantly changing and shifting because we’re perfectly imperfect…we are humans.  But we should all be providing our own sense of “wholeness” and “happiness” and “loveableness” before ever seeking it from another person.

I personally, want to constantly be striving to become the best version of me and continue to love myself and create my own happiness.  Continue to learn about myself and teach myself.  To journey into light and into my own darkness and back to the light.  All the wonderful humans I encounter in that brilliant and uniquely mine process, well, that will be a reflection of who I am too.  Whatever my “wholeness” happens to attract is all part of the adventure.  And I guarantee, there will be love.  Always…L O V E.

Love Actually…{Part I}

“Love yourself first and everything else falls in line.  You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world.”  –Lucille Ball

ME_468_AcceptingSelfLoveImage Cred: The Googles

Ah, love.  The word, the feeling, the one intangible thing that has the power to build you up and also tear you down.  Lately, the universe has been bringing me conversations surrounding the topic; I’ve had some personal battles with it recently and have also had some discussions with a few important dudes in my life and it has inspired some deep thought.

It seems to me that the human condition when it comes to matters of the heart has created this idea that we must constantly seek that which we don’t have.  We want what we can’t get.  When we get it, we don’t want it anymore and continue searching for something else to obtain.  You can understand how this becomes a very dangerous game when you’re playing with people’s hearts.  We walk around, existing under the idea that the grass is always greener on the other side.  Which is completely ridiculous since most of us just forgot to turn on the bloody hose and water our own lawn…or we’ve left the hose on too long and drowned the poor thing.  In my not so extensive dating experience, I have found that women have this same mentality when dating The Asshole.  You know what I’m about to dig into…it’s okay.  Save your “monkey see” emoji for a later time and listen up.

For us ladies out there, we’ve all dated The Asshole guy.  Sometimes, we’re even awesome enough to date several…our roaring 20s are good for that.  We get kicked to shit by them, eventually inducing a wish for someone nice to come around and treat us right.  With this wish for the nice kind of guy, we throw in an added bonus wish that we’ll acquire just a DASH of common sense as we enter the next round of dating, hoping to take action with the red flags that pop up.  Enter The Nice Guy.  He can serve our wants and needs for a time, but eventually, we sabotage him and his “niceness”.  The Nice Guy is just “too nice” we tell ourselves and our best girlfriends over dirty martinis at happy hour.  We eventually just wish that The Nice Guy would be more of a dick like our dear ex, The Asshole.  But why?  Why in all the things in this world that are holy and sacred would we want to ruin a perfectly good thing once we finally got what we’d been wishing for?!

Because: society.  We’ve been conditioned by society and also conditioned by ourselves to never be satisfied with what we have; we are always striving to attain more.  Because nothing is ever good enough.  You see, we’re told that perfection is out there, that we can acquire it.  And we believe it!  So we continue galloping off on our unicorns searching for our knights in shining armor and ending up with losers in aluminum foil.   I’ll just take a moment here to remind everyone the definition of an important word:

in·san·i·ty

inˈsanədē/

noun

extreme foolishness or irrationality.

My personal favorite: The definition of insanity, is, doing the exact same f*cking thing over and over again, expecting shit to change. That. Is. Crazy.  Thank you Urban Dictionary.

This is why women of a certain age start settling.  We settle for the “good on paper” guys.  Type A personalities who seem to have their general shit together, are nice, practical, planners.  In my personal translation {please take no offense you good on paper people out there–the world needs you too!}, boring as f*ck.  I only speak from my personal dating experience here.

Women my age who have dated The Asshole Guy or the emotionally blocked guys… hopped on the roller coaster of adventure into the unknown world of spontaneity, risk and inevitably other unsafe emotional places…eventually get tired.  Like we get so damn, EXHAUSTED of the let down, the not knowing, the hurt, the general asshole-isms…all of it.  So we settle for safety and security with someone that we love…but that love might require us to convince ourselves it’s really there half the time.  Unfortunately for thrill seeking women out there in dating land {hey girl heyyy!}, the good on paper guy isn’t random, spontaneous and full of adventure.  We’re going to pick The Nice Guy we maybe aren’t head over heels in love with out of fear that the roller coaster Asshole Guy won’t ever grow up, make you a safety harness that works and get his shit together enough to be with you.  And women get scared.  Get ready to clinch your teeth…it’s coming…in overly dramatic form of course…

Eventually, the hard and sad truth of it, is that a lot of women just want to be “rescued”.  Plus, there’s that whole biological clock ticking thing that happens right around age 28 for most of us with ovaries.  The Nice Guy is the one who can provide you with the picket fence, the golden retriever and the 2.some random decimal that doesn’t exist, babies.  You’ll have sex once a year for the rest of your marriage.  {YAY! Insert thumbs down emoji here.}  Then possibly wake up one day in your early 40s or 50s, the kiddos are living their own lives, and you realize that you have nothing in common with the person you’re sharing a bed with in your house with the picket fence that your tired, old golden retriever leaves hair all over.  This is one of the many reasons spouses start to resent each other’s very existence and why many marriages end in divorce.  Isn’t it a happy cycle?!  *Disclaimer: as mentioned above, this is a dramatization.  I am not a marriage counselor or licensed therapist, just one of those female homo sapiens who is intuitive and has opinions.*

Before you stop reading, thinking this is just a cynical rant dripping with “relationship hate”, stay with me; it’s going to get good in part II.

Highlight Reel…

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“A lot can happen in a year…” –Unknown

Welp, kids.  Another year has come and gone.  You’ll start to notice some changes over here on // Little Talks {capital letters, anyone?!}  I will be launching a new blog soon…STAY TUNED PLEASE!  With a new year and a coming of a new age // decade…hello, 30?  Can you hear me?!  I decided it was time to make a serious shift in my blogging and really take my writing to new heights.  With that being said, I always find it very important to remember where you’ve started and all the punctuation and grammar in between.  So without further ado, I’m keepin’ it real, with my 2015 highlight reel.

My blog was viewed 1,000 times last year.  Not a huge number in the grand scheme of the interwebs, however, for this little blog, that was a MASSIVE improvement from it’s past years in existence.  HUGE SHOUT OUT TO MY READERS, however, few and far between you may be…THANK YOU!

My most viewed posts:

  1. vanishing acts… Apparently some of you can relate to falling prey to the Houdini’s in the dating world.   The value of putting down the technology that pulls us in and looking up to see the love and magic surrounding us on a daily basis is immeasurable.  I don’t want it to ever pass me by.
  2. sea of cynics…  It would seem that I have a squad.  Those of us who refuse to settle for the millennial versions of dating and are still attempting to hold onto the {now} old fashioned ways of dating and believing in love.  “When optimism, positive vibes and love prevail so begins the death march on cynicism, negativity and rooted hate.”  I’m glad I wrote this post to help remind me.
  3. adulting 101…  Not much needs to be said.  I had a feeling when I posted this {short} series, it would resonate with my fellow 20 somethings out there trying to navigate the road of adulthood.  Cheers to us for surviving and creating our own stories to tell through it all!
  4. adulting 201…  Not shocking that this follow up post got some more viewing love.  As we continue growing up and into who we’re going to become, it’s important to remember to revel in the struggles as much as the victories.  So buy the heels and enjoy that shower beer, you’re an adult!
  5. frisky business…  Relief is the word that comes to mind knowing this post was a well viewed one.  It’s nice to know that those of you who do follow me, support my goals and are part of the community that helps propel me forward towards my writing dreams.

Although my post comments are most frequently received from my darling grandmother {thanks Grandma!}, I am so grateful that your eyes reached this blog.  Hopefully our // Little Talks have inspired you in some way or another, to live your truth, continue learning and loving and laughing through the adventure of life!

I can’t wait to write what happens next…

xx