Love Actually…{Part II}

“If you look for it, I’ve got a sneaky feeling you’ll find that love actually is all around.”  -Prime Minister, Love Actually

where-did-you-find-that-ive-been-searching-for-it-everywhere-i-created-it-myself-happiness-1444847227In order to avoid the fate I dramatically represented here, we have to reevaluate how we define and look at the “L” word.  Yes, that four letter word that carries so much gorgeous weight…L O V E.

I really love the concept that love comes from within.  I think that is how love should be felt and seen. One thing I’ve truly learned in life thus far (and I’ve learned it all the f*cking hard way) is that any feeling we have comes from within us.  Happiness is a choice we make as our individual selves and cannot be the responsibility of any other human being, but us.  Love must be felt and explored from within before we know how to recognize it, express it and accept it in another.  Love isn’t striving for that perfection we can never obtain.  Love isn’t filling our lives by consuming information or “stuff” we generally don’t need.  Happiness isn’t those things either…

To truly live and live well is to find happiness within yourself and to learn how to fall in love with yourself first and foremost; to work at that love every damn day for the rest of your life.  To make choices.  To CHOOSE to love yourself and to love that person that you just don’t want to live without.  It’s a choice.  And it’s hard work, but nothing worth having ever came easy.  Choice.  That’s what it takes to keep the spark. Choice is the spark we have to keep alive.  The spark lies within us and too many people give it up, leave it to someone else and let it die out.  Everything crumbles on from there; relationships, self-love…it becomes a domino effect.

The act of falling in love, with another human being…falling for anything really, it’s a notion I’m not quite attached to.   Especially in this fine day and age of people swiping right to find their “happiness” and to “fall in love”.   If those are the things you’re looking to find using that method…call me.  We need to have a serious talk.  I urge you to avoid “falling” for anything on Tinder.  Use it, enjoy it, just don’t let it fool you into thinking that your happily ever after is on a screen.  This idea of falling, implies a catching of sorts and what I think too many of us are looking for is that one person to catch us.  Catch your own damn self!  What we should do in love, is BE in love.  We should BE ourselves, BE happy, just BE in love…we need to BE!

We have to be powerful in ourselves and whatever we conquer, whatever we express to ourselves within, is reflected out when we connect with another human being who has that same profoundness and acceptance within themselves.  Who knows who they are, what they want and how they’re going to take action to get it.  Light finds other light, happiness links to other happiness, love reflects love.

It’s a bloody complex thing to do; to maintain your own pursuit of happiness and take full responsibility for every single feeling you have on any given day.  It’s difficult because we’re also conditioned to play the blame game.  Well, that’s too easy.  Blaming others is a serious waste of energy.  As I continue to get older and have more friends getting married, having babies and all that grown up amazing-ness that we choose, I realize that money and children are just tips of the iceberg that can put a strain or pressure on a marriage or a relationship causing it to at times end in a divorce or a break up.

It’s the fact that we as humans have conditioned ourselves to make shifts in our priorities, thinking that we can find all that we seek in another person or by acquiring more whether that be a house with a picket fence and the nice car parked outside or creating the children to fill them.  See, I told you if you stuck with me, we’d come full circle!

We should always be our number one priority.  And that can only really happen when we have found and accepted happiness; a love of ourselves.  When we have made the choice to BE who we are.  Once that’s established, we can share that with another person who’s become their whole self.  But still, you’re your number 1.  Always.  I repeat…ALWAYS.  Your romantic relationship next.  Then the kids and whatever else you choose to have in and do with your beautiful life.

It’s just too f*cking easy to shift focus and change the priorities.  Women tend to put the relationship first.  Put their partner over themselves.  We do this because it’s what is in our nature.  We do this to be nurturing and be the caregiver, the saver, The Feminine that fixes it all!  And trust me when I say, we get amazing at it.  We wear superhero capes that other people can’t always see.  I’ve done it {for at least a time}, in every relationship I’ve ever had.   Even some of the non-romantic ones.  It all spells trouble. You lose yourself a bit more each time.  In romantic relationships that go to marriage, the institution only changes you if you allow it to.  I truly believe that.  You can think me a fool since I’m not married, but I’ve seen people and know people who have not let marriage change them as individuals or the relationship.  It’s a thing.    They have CHOSEN to BE with each other.  And they do the work required.  They aren’t existing under the impression that they can’t live without the other person, they know they could survive.  They CHOOSE not to live without their person; they know that connection doesn’t always come around.  It’s a CHOICE to hang on to who you love, to hold onto yourself, to BE you.  But I strongly believe you have to hang onto the number 1 priority spot in your life.  Of course it’ll shift from time to time.  Of course you’ll have to put others first.  You should.  What I’m saying is that you should never open up the leading role of your life to another person and lose your sense of happiness, love or BEing.

The problem is, a lot of people are walking around thinking that they are one half of a whole when we should all be walking around becoming a whole person on our own.  Just let that sink in a moment.

That’s what makes connecting with another “whole” person so sacred, so rare and so profoundly fantastic.   And don’t get me wrong.  We are always learning and teaching, adding and taking away pieces of ourselves that we need or don’t need and that process is deeply affected by the connections we make with other works in progress.  We are constantly changing and shifting because we’re perfectly imperfect…we are humans.  But we should all be providing our own sense of “wholeness” and “happiness” and “loveableness” before ever seeking it from another person.

I personally, want to constantly be striving to become the best version of me and continue to love myself and create my own happiness.  Continue to learn about myself and teach myself.  To journey into light and into my own darkness and back to the light.  All the wonderful humans I encounter in that brilliant and uniquely mine process, well, that will be a reflection of who I am too.  Whatever my “wholeness” happens to attract is all part of the adventure.  And I guarantee, there will be love.  Always…L O V E.

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