“it’s better to feel pain, than nothing at all…the opposite of love’s indifference…”
i have recently gained some personal experience on that one and i have found it to be true. brutally true.
since my last heartfelt post, a lot has transpired. changes have been made and my heart has been broken. but somehow, in its breaking, i have allowed it to break open…instead of closing myself off. could be due to the reminder my amazing dad gave me or the fact that i am living a simple backpacker life that makes acceptance easier, it also could be timing, but whatever it is that has allowed me to stay open hearted in my feeling broken, i am thankful. i have found myself with an overwhelming sense of relief. after almost 5 years loving someone who’s amazing, but wounded, i am free. i took my power back and released myself from being there for a human who can’t be there for me, who can’t love me in the same unconditional way i have loved him. and although this reality was a tough one to face, i sit here on a warm rock at a beautiful fresh water pool in the girringun national park in the northern queensland rainforest, catching up on some self reflection and getting back to my writing and i have this incredible feeling inside me and i believe they call it happiness.
love is hard. but it doesn’t have to be as hard as it was for me. i now know that i deserve someone who can not only understand and appreciate my open heart and kindness, but someone who can match and reciprocate it. everyone deserves to be loved, but they deserve to be loved without expectation, judgment or ridicule. love must be patient and kind and unconditional.
after a quick visit to byron bay, we found ourselves in brisbane to work a carnival for 10 days to replenish some much needed cash. we spent those days busting our asses, me at the waterballs where blowing air into a giant plastic ball and spinning kids around on the water was what kept me smiling every time i was reminded that i am now officially a carni and alicia working the photo booth at the haunted house and filling in for freddy kruger when he took his breaks. although the days were long and the sun hot, i got a full body work out, an epic farmers tan and made a small difference in the lives of the kids and parents who came to play. several kids with autism came in and we were warned by parents that they might not like it once inside, but every single kid came out smiling and laughing like they just had the time of their lives. a heart breaks open. i helped the most beautiful married couple with down syndrome have an adventure in the waterballs and when his wife came out, the husband signed ‘i love you’ to me and felt confident enough and comfortable enough with me to have his own go. tears were shed after the high fives and ecstatic thumbs up were shared…being a carni wasn’t so bad. through those days, we survived only because we were staying in a share house/hostel with about 20 beautiful humans that we have either met or seen at the arts factory during our short stay in the jungle. a heart breaks open. when i say only survived because of them, i am not exaggerating. the comic relief, drinks and laughs exchanged were the glue that started sticking my broken pieces back together. if not for these new friends that became like family, i don’t think that feeling of happiness would be in my grateful possession today. i would be in a wounded dark place not living these last months in my beloved australia to the fullest.
photo credit: unknown
photo credit: hollywood horrors photographer
when you take your 20 seconds of insane courage, it doesn’t always turn out the way you had hoped, however, what i know now is that every time, it’s still worth taking them. it didn’t work out for me the way my heart wished for so long, but in a different way, it turned out better than i could have ever imagined and i have no regrets. when you bite the bullet and become nakedly honest with someone and tell them you love them and they come back and say they don’t feel the same way, that shit hurts, but what i have found is that what hurts even more, is not saying the words at all…not sharing the way you feel about someone with that someone. holding it all in doesn’t do anyone any favours…and it leaves room for a ‘what if’ and life is just too damn short. through rain clouds, there is always a sun beam shining through…out of pain, comes healing…and i haven’t felt this whole in a really long time.
photo credit: Kary Brennan