episode eight

“just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly…”

my best friend gave me a pretty amazing compliment earlier this week.  or at least i think it was a compliment.  she tried to cover up her philosophical moment with the excuse that she was just talking about butterflies…she doesn’t like to get emotional on monday nights.  buuut, she gave me a disturbingly accurate run down of who i am and how i operate.  scary when our friends and family know us so well sometimes.  aside from the other stuff she said that made me cry (sort of), she said, “you are like an awesome f*cking butterfly! try to catch her and she flies away.  sit still and wait…she’ll land in your hands and you will feel blessed.” boy do i love this girl.  from seattle to richland to australia to the moon and back.  this butterfly reference got me thinking…we all sort of start our lives in our cozy little cocoons as awkward, uncertain caterpillars…but once we give ourselves some time to grow and expand our “world”, we emerge as beautiful butterflies ready to take on whatever life may throw at us.  and life sure does know how to throw some wicked curve balls.  but some of the balls life throws our way, we don’t actually see coming…i’m still on the hunt for an awesomely tricked out helmet complete with face mask to aide me in the process…and it’s a good thing i have good eye/hand coordination.

we go along this road called life and the people we meet along the way leave their marks on us.  much like a butterfly leaves magic dust behind if you try to catch it.  sometimes these marks are permanent like tattoos on our hearts, other times, they are temporary and fade away with time.  some of them, we try to scrub off and the redness is what lingers.  the funny thing is that you can be enjoying some alone time and not think about a certain someone at all, but then BAM.  the needle comes right when you least expect it…adding to the tattoos you love…and the ones you got when you were “drunk”.  maybe you’re at work and don’t have time to feel the impact.  maybe you’re on a first date with a seemingly nice guy and your heart starts beating a little faster.  not because of him, but because you realize that one of your tattoos from the past just started scratching again…it’s still healing.  sometimes you can’t sit on an airplane locked into the music beating through your headphones without thinking of that tattoo.  that person who made their marks on you.  one of the permanent kinds.  feelings…those scary things we all fear and ignore at all costs…you can avoid them all you want, but mix music into that equation, at least for me, and i’ve got myself a whole symphony of feelings pouring out of me.  permanent, just like my faded scars and that damn tattoo…the one that hurt the most and takes the longest to heal.  the best part about the permanent scars, is that we can choose to let them make us better and not turn bitter.  i’ve worked on that a lot.  i don’t like going through life with any regrets to think about.  i have learned something from every choice i’ve made and every experience i have had, so i can’t look at it in a negative light and wish it had never happened.  i can smile because it’s helped stitch more of my pieces together and made me grow further into myself…and spread my wings a little more.  we take these tattoos with us wherever we go.  when we move forward or stay behind…they are still there.  and they remind us of our past, but we take them with us into the future…hopefully a little stronger and more aware.  maybe that’s how we get all the colorful and distinct designs on our butterfly wings…they are all the markings we’ve collected throughout our lives from the people who have touched us.  the ones who tried to catch us and the ones who let us go.  perhaps the magic dust is what we leave behind…our mystery, our art, and a little piece of our souls.

sometimes, we encounter new people who are amazing enough to give us butterflies.  i don’t mean a collection of them that you creepily hang on your wall…i’m referring to the kind you get in your stomach when you are smiling like an idiot because you met someone who changes your mind…a little.  i had almost forgotten what that feels like, but sure enough…there they are again, fluttering away.  the whole butterflies in your stomach feeling is pretty lovely, i must say.  it basically just reminds you that you aren’t completely frozen over and that you can still open yourself up to new people…and places…and things.  ladies, i encourage you to flutter about, letting people, places and things give you butterflies.  don’t ever close yourself off from that feeling.  it’s a feeling of fresh and new and helps you remember you’re alive.  life is too short not to fly and share a little bit of your magic dust.  so to the year 2013, i salute you.  you’ve been interesting and challenging to say the least.  the universe has been a testy bitch with me so far this year, but as my best friend told me…that isn’t the way it works for me.  apparently i have been testing the universe.   well, let’s see how much more i can push the universe (and myself) these next (almost!!!) 5 months before this butterfly flies from her emerald city…all the way to the land of oz…where i’ll surely earn some new tattoos on my wings.

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